Thank you for your support of my last blog post entitled Deep Within. As a result of this post, a very hot topic has surfaced and I would like to explore it further. As a reminder, in my last post, I shared a heartfelt statement from a hurting woman. Here it is again for your review.
I am your greatest earthly treasure, sitting on the shelf. You pour yourself into things that will be tossed tomorrow. Look at me! Strangers and acquaintances affirm me today and maybe tomorrow but you don’t see my gifts. Look at me! You see my adornments and your hands examine the jewels but you don’t look deep enough to see my heart and mind. Look at me! You praise my efforts but always with a suggestion. Look at me! I am only a whisper away, invisible with tears in my eyes. Look at me! What do I want? I do want you to love my adornments, I do want you to praise what I do and I do want you to know who I am, deep inside of my mind and my heart. Who am I? Don’t look at me but look deep within me.
A wife has a deep need for her husband to look deep within her and understand who she is. She needs to be treated with sensitivity and gentility. She needs to be really listened to – not fixed or brushed off with a quick solution. Let’s look at the attitude of “that’s just not me”. If a husband communicates this attitude through his words and/or actions, his wife is likely receiving it in the following ways. She might receive this as “you are not worth the effort of stepping outside of my comfort zone in order to learn how to be sensitive” or “you are a loser – so I don’t need to serve you – you are fortunate to even have me as a husband”. With enough of this treatment, a wife will feel empty, unimportant and begin to believe that she has little value.
When a wife has the courage to talk to her husband about these issues and he withdraws, gets defensive or even aggressive, she begins to feel emotionally unsafe and eventually won’t even attempt to confide in him at all. Obviously, this is a detrimental development in a marriage. Your wife may be fully committed to you but she isn’t happy – she probably feels like she is dying inside. If after all of this, a husband still clings to “that’s just not me”, I would say that he has not fully grasped the concept of sacrificial love. He may be an excellent provider and a good father but he is not willing to sacrifice his own comfort in order to love his wife. In order to love, we need to love with the method that the other person needs to be loved.
On a slightly different note, some husbands when on the hot seat might choose to believe that they are loving their wife because sometime in the past, they have looked deep within and affirmed her. If you have been reading my blog, you have noticed that my style is direct. This is what I would say to that – husband, why do you want sex again? She gave it to you that one time. Spouses need regular nourishment to thrive. Having a meal every once in a while will not sustain your spouse.
It is true that this may not be who you are. As I have already said in the previous post, it is not natural for her to let you lead, put you before the children or attend to your sexual needs but hopefully she is doing these things in order to love you. Love her too. Don’t make her feel that she is doing this life without her partner. It is who you can become.