The following was originally published one year ago. It struck a chord with both men and women and it is a topic worthy of revisiting. As an introduction, I include the brief statement below, which was written by a real woman who wanted her voice to be heard. She offered her heart, so that others would be helped. She entitled this “Look at Me”.
“I am your greatest earthly treasure, sitting on the shelf. You pour yourself into things that will be tossed tomorrow. Look at me! Strangers and acquaintances affirm me today and maybe tomorrow but you don’t see my gifts. Look at me! You see my adornments and your hands examine the jewels but you don’t look deep enough to see my heart and mind. Look at me! You praise my efforts but always with a suggestion. Look at me! I am only a whisper away, invisible with tears in my eyes. Look at me! What do I want? I do want you to love my adornments, I do want you to praise what I do and I do want you to know who I am, deep inside of my mind and my heart. Who am I? Don’t look at me but look deep within me.”
She wrote this during her darkest moments and from a place of deep pain but it isn’t earth shattering. Too many women struggle with similar thoughts and feelings. She is not a depressed woman. Actually, she describes herself as happy and striving for contentment. She is an ordinary woman and just like most women, her emotional tank occasional becomes empty. Husbands, this post is not intended to heap more burden or guilt onto you. I’m hoping that this fills in the blanks for many men. I know that so many men labor and struggle to understand how to fulfill their wife. I will boil it down for you. Love your wife by studying her. Make her your lifelong learning project. There is nothing sexier than a man learning about what makes his woman tick. I know it’s difficult and it requires effort – actually, it requires hard work but please realize that it is difficult for her to let you lead, put you before the children and make your sexual needs a priority? You see, these things are foreign to her, just like it is foreign to you to study your wife.
I love how music speaks to our hearts. There is a beautiful song called Exploring the Blue by Luka Bloom. He sings – “I go down into the water, and dive as deep as man can go, into those dark places, watch the underwater flow, exploring the blue, in search of you, here I stand by the mountain, look up to the sky, knowing it’s a matter of having to climb, above this place these clouds lie.” This beautiful song is about a man going as deep or climbing as high as he needs to go, in order to understand and know his woman. Studying your wife is all about your efforts. Observe her and verbally affirm her. There are no flowcharts and at times you may find this to be quite the challenge, but here are a few ideas to get you going. “I was amazed at how you handled that situation” or “I was watching you from a distance as you spoke to that person. I loved your smile and facial expressions” or “it really impresses me that you know where to go in God’s word to find the answers”. Give her specifics – tell her why she amazed you or what it was about her smile and facial expressions that you loved.
Most women have a deep need to be understood by those closest to them. She wants you to see and value her essence. If you remove the outward beauty and all of the tasks that she completes, you will find her essence. Her essence is her qualities and character. It is her own unique set of gifts, given to her by her Creator. Is she compassionate? Is she kind and thoughtful – putting others above herself? Is she sensitive to the moods and hurts of others? Does she love others even though she has been hurt in the past? Does her heart of compassion move her to take action? Is she intelligent? Is she goofy, funny or witty? Can she find the humor in almost every situation? Is she as sweet as sugar and yet vivacious and sexy all at the same time? This is her essence.
Look deep within her heart and her mind and appreciate her essence. Praise her and brag about these qualities as well as her physical beauty and the tasks that she completes. As a woman ages, her physical beauty will change, the volume of tasks that she can complete will reduce but it is her essence that will remain and even become more beautiful in time. I know that you love this woman. Give her hope by looking deep within.